Oh, look, it’s been ten months since I last posted.
Whoops.
I always do this to myself. I did it again. The very thing I said that I wouldn’t do, I DID. I said that I would just be myself. SCREW IT ALL, I said. And yet, I looked at my post and felt that I had started a theme/trend, one that I had to continue or ELSE.
Else what?
Beats me.
I guess I could throw out some other excuses. After all, I did clear out a borderline hoarder house, filling 8 dumpsters over the course of 6 to 8 months. (16 tons worth of crap. I’m legit not exaggerating here.). Then, I moved from NJ to Utah. Yay me.
-passes out-
Good grief, I always bury my head in the sand. My dear reader, do you do this to yourself, too? Surely, I’m not the only one. It’s taken me awhile to figure it out what’s going on with myself. I think I uncovered a tiny clue for myself.
Fear.
I honestly didn’t think I had it. I wasn’t afraid of much in life. Except losing my Mom. Oh, look. Been there, done that.
I FEAR NOTHING.
Joking aside, it’s true in many ways. I’m not afraid of the usual things anymore. I refuse, to be honest. I’ve been there once; I will not let myself be there again. But I have had fearful moments, like Zelda or Luna (new pup) getting loose and not obeying me. But I don’t live in fear.
Or, at least, I thought.
But when I can’t seem to function or when the highlight of my day is simply doing a load of dishes, it’s hard to be something. I worry that if I post something online I won’t be able to keep up a momentum. Like my FF readers… They’re still waiting on chapters for stories. Beyond 2 still isn’t done and yet I have anxious readers who want more. I have a number of readers who have expressed interest in my other series, the one that has been evolved from my TT fanfiction, Warped Identity.
And yet, here I am with nothing in my hands. I have nothing.
I feel like I have to be complete before I show my face. Maybe it’s like a makeup thing. For many women, they won’t leave the house without it. If I’m not completely together, then why try? (I can’t be bothered with makeup, so I rarely use it anyway – but you get my point.)
And in the end, this feeling rooted a hidden fear in me – one I had no idea existed. How could that happen? How could I let that happen to myself? I think that when we’re all coping with our own issues, it’s easy to let hidden fears become rooted in our hearts.
What fears are weighing you down? Maybe you haven’t noticed them, like I hadn’t. I hope you can find them and pull them out, one by one.
Too bad there isn’t a weed killer for the heart.
Anthy